


Blue October

by Tamawind



Series: Songfics [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Roxy recovering, Sadstuck, and longer than I expected, dealing with breakups, previous drinking problems, this is just really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 16:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5297834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamawind/pseuds/Tamawind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a few months after Roxy and Jane breaking up, needless to say Roxy is still head over heels for Jane and its pissing her off she cant move on so she takes it out on the only person she can, herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue October

**Author's Note:**

> I think I'm going to start writing more songfics I forgot how fun they were

You stared at the ceiling, your thoughts revolving around the one thing always on your mind. You shut your eyes trying not to wonder if she was thinking of you, if she ever thought of you. You hoped for the millionth time that her nights were plagued with memories of you and everything you both once were. The still darkness of your room is only interrupted by the flash of light your phone gives off and the way the vibrating resonates off the wooden desk. You know who it is so you let it ring, attempting not to let yourself fall too deeply into self pity. After the room had fallen back into darkness you reached over for your phone and played the voicemail you just know he left.  
  
”Hey Rox, this is Dirk, I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really upset last night. It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too. I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,  and wanted to see if you were still taking your medication. You know I love you sis, take care. I know you're under a lot of stress. See ya later sis. Bye”  
  
You put the phone back down, feeling even guiltier than before. You start screaming at yourself in your head. _SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP_. It doesn’t help, it never helps but again you try to reason with yourself. _SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT US ANYMORE._ The pounding in your head is unbearable and the urge to get out a bottle of red wine and fall asleep next to it is as alluring as ever. Your mind is always against you at night, always making you think and watch memories that always end up doing more harm than they do good.  
  
_“Roxy! Cakes almost done, I have to watch it and make sure—“ You cut Jane off with a searing kiss, not having time to play around, the cake was almost done baking and we couldn’t have it burn now could we? Roxy laughed to herself and bit lightly at Jane’s bottom lip amused by her own joke. “We have five minutes Janey, plenty of time” Roxy watched Jane as her conflicting emotions washed over her face, of course she wanted to fool around with Roxy but she needed that cake for their party tomorrow. Roxy continued watching as Jane let go of her bottom lip and the decision she had made in her head was written all over her face. “You have five minutes Lalonde, thats it” Roxy smirked and pulled down Jane’s skirt, “Five minutes is all I need Ms. Crocker”_  
  
You scream in frustration as the familiar pull on your chest attacks you and makes the tears finally escape you. You cant deal with this your heart hurts, your chest hurts, your throat feels like its on fire and before you even open your eyes again you hear a scream filled with pain and anger fill the silence and you realize that you are the one screaming, you are the one who sounds like they have been through so much and have suffered through so much pain. As you open your eyes again and blink away the tears you realize, you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. Who even is Roxy Lalonde now? The tears flow again and you slowly get yourself up and out of bed, grabbing your phone before you enter the brightly lit bathroom.  
  
There is no denying it, you are a mess. You continue to cry and your nails end up breaking your skin as you claw at yourself, you are losing your mind. You see your fuzzy reflection through tear filled eyes and lose it. You have no fucking clue who you are anymore, she completely fucking ruined you and yet, this is all your fault, not hers.

  
You stare at the phone praying to god even though you don’t believe in him that he will send you a sign. Just one goddamn sign that everything in this fucked up life of yours will turn out for the best soon, “because god, I have no idea how much more of this I can take” you say through gross sobs that tear your whole being apart.

  
 You just want to not be sad anymore, you don’t want to feel this pain anymore. Why cant you just be fucking happy? Did you really fuck it up so badly that even the thought of one day being happy seems like such a stretch that even in your dreams its practically impossible. All you want is for your heart to stop beating so fast and your tears to stop flowing out of your eyes and to stop shaking so much. You just want to be at peace with yourself and with her. Your eyes go to your phone again wondering if god did send a sign he’d send it through her. Just a simple hey would do right about now. Even though you know it wont happen, you start to calm down just about thinking of speaking to her once again.  
  
Your mood darkens again as you realize the conversations will never be what they used to be, she’ll never say she loves you before she has to go somewhere, or after you blow up her phone with pictures of cats, or after you’ve done something so incredibly stupid and she finds it utterly adorable. The realization hits you hard and your chest feels as if theres holes in it, big gaping ones that let people see right through you. You stare at the phone blankly, tears still falling but not as much as before. She’ll never reach out to you, you are the one who said you needed space, even if it was after she had ignored you for a month. It didn’t matter the reasons but you made it pretty clear you had no interest in talking to her. You only wish Jane wasn’t nice enough to agree after three days of reasoning.  
  
You bang your head against the wall and it does nothing for you, its not enough she probably fucking hates you. She probably hates you so much just thinking about your name brings bile up her throat. She probably hates you because of all the things you didn’t do for her as a girlfriend. The main thing being you weren't always fucking there. God dammit you would’ve taken a break from yourself for a month as well if you were her. She probably realized she could do so much better than an alcoholic failing in the recovery department. God you were a bad influence on her, she's probably happy she got away from you. You know you’d be thrilled to get away from yourself. Why would she feel any different?  
  
The bottle feels familiar and safe, something you haven’t felt recently. You stared at it, no emotion crossing your face. This was the reason she had left you for a month, this is the reason you guys could never really work out. You haven’t touched it since she left. You wonder if she’d be happy knowing you’ve been sober for three months as of Tuesday because of her. Maybe she would be happy knowing the one thing you guys ever fought about was the one thing you’ll never touch again because of the memories that come with it.  
  
_“I cant **fucking** believe this Roxy!” Jane screamed in disbelief and anger. “Every fucking night I come home and you’re drunk off your ass! What was it this time! Was it the sad cat commercial was it the pizza delivery guy not complementing your new top! What fucking was it” Jane’s usual cheery blue eyes had turned a stormy gray and the glare she sent your way sent shivers down your spine. “J-Janey” You had hiccuped causing her name to come out funny which caused you to laugh. “This isn’t fucking funny Roxy I can’t come home to you smelling like you just spent two weeks in a bar every single night, I’m done, I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to stay at John’s house for tonight, maybe two. Don’t bother calling I’ll come back when I’m ready.” You just stared, your drunk mind not processing everything correctly. “Can I has a kish pweazeee?” You say only noticing Jane leaving. You can see her heart break at the door and watched as she slowly turned around. She leaned down and gently kissed you, you didn’t know why but tears had mixed in with the kiss, both hers and yours. “I hate that taste” was all Jane said before she left you to pass out and wake up to the worst pain imaginable._

  
Now you knew why she was crying. She knew when she left it would be for the last time, she knew she wasn’t going to be gone for just a day or two, or even a week. Some parts of you want to be angry at her for lying but other parts know its all your fault she left in the first place. You wonder what she would say if you texted her right now, if she would even answer at all. Would she say good job at your three months sober text? You want to text her, honestly that's the only thing you ever want to do. You know when you wake though you’ll completely regret it so you don’t and instead think up things you’d send to her.  
  
Thank you for loving me, thank you for holding my hair back in the bathroom late at night, thank you for helping me become sober, thank you for not giving up on me on the nights when I hated myself the most, thank you for helping me stay alive and never taking any of my attempts on my life as jokes. Thank you for forcing me to stand in front of a mirror and make me list the things I loved about myself even though there was none. Thank you for being there for me when it seemed no one else was.  
  
You felt sick, she hurt you so badly yet here you were thinking of what you would say to her and none of it bashing her for leaving you alone and vulnerable. God she probably did the right thing staying away from you. Hell if she texted you right now saying she couldn’t deal with you living two blocks away you’d pack up your stuff and move all the way back to New York, no questions asked. You’d go so fucking far away that you’d never even cross her mind and she’d do everything it takes in her heart to leave you and everything that reminded her of you behind.  
  
God you hope she hates you, that would make moving on so much easier, that would make her life and yours so much simpler. You hope she hates you forever and when she sees you just lets you have it because you fucking deserve it, you deserve all of it, every single vile word that has yet to come out of her mouth. You were never good enough for her, it’s still a fucking shock she picked you and chose to put up with you as long as she did.  
  
You decided you had thrown a pity party for yourself long enough and that you needed to get out of this house that was once our house. You put the bottle back under the bathroom sink and splash some cold water on your face. You grab your phone and pick up the previously discarded headphones from this morning. You never changed out of your clothes so you just throw a hoodie on, profusely blocking out the fact that it’s one of Jane’s she had forgotten to take back. Sticking your headphones in and hitting shuffle on your phone you toe your shoes on and leave the house.  
  
You hum quietly as songs that you relate to briefly fill the holes in your chest. The night a bit chilly for the end of October in California. You kicked at the loose rocks on the street wondering briefly how long it takes for them to get dislodged from the asphalt. You watch your shadow grow and shrink as you pass under street lights. You kind of hope someone comes up and stabs you, one one side maybe Jane would talk to you, on the other you’d be dead. Both seem equally okay to you.  
  
God you need to stop fucking thinking of her, it just makes every ounce of your being hurt with longing and desire for what once was. You need to say goodbye and move on. But how can you move on if you both never speak? You hearts starts to physically hurt. It affects you so badly you have to drop to your knees, ignoring the fact you probably created a hole in your tights and at least bruised both of your knees.  
  
Your mind kept up bring up memories of Jane and her vivid blue eyes and it kept bringing back the moment, the moment when she left. The moment when those vivid blue eyes glossed over with tears, tears you had caused. The tears slipping down her face played on repeat in your head and no matter what you did or said it always went right back to it.  
  
“Make it stop” you whispered out loud.

  
“Make it stop, make it stop _please_ ” You whispered again.

  
“ _Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop_ ”  Your voice was at a normal level but still nothing would stop the memory of you causing Jane to cry and give up go away.

  
_“MAKE IT STOP”_   You scream putting your hands over your ears and shutting your eyes tightly as if that would stop the memory from playing on repeat.

  
_“Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop”_ You kept chanting it as you rocked back and forth on your knees, tears trailing down your face and dropping one by one, silently onto the pavement below.  
  
You just wanted to smile again, you just wanted to cuddle Jane at night and listen to her sing as she baked muffins for you in the morning. You missed everything and you wanted it back right now. You heard a door open and the memory stopped looping and instead continued onto another.  
  
_“I guess this is goodbye Roxy, I’ll always love you no matter what”_

“Dirty liar” you say and begin repeating it, you’re sobbing your chest hurts and your knees burn. Your face feels wet and hot and your throat burns but you still repeat the same two words.  
  
“Rox, is that you? Roxy?”  
  
“Dirty liar”  
  
“Roxy oh my gosh” It’s Dirk, he scoops you up into his arms silently cursing to himself as he sprints inside so he can see just how bad you are.

You say the only thing you can say in your dazed and tired state, the only thing you have been saying for the past few minutes...

“Dirty, _fucking_ liar”  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry plz forgive me, this was based of Hate Me by Blue October
> 
> if you wanna talk to me my tumblr is @turntechbio  
> my kik is @nevervperfect and my twitter is @hannahishannah


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